When was the last time you apologized?
 
This morning, a very nice gentleman apologized to me because he was standing near where I was walking to in Starbucks.
 
He was not in my way. He had not interacted with me until he apologized.
 
I was struck by it, firstly because it felt polite, but secondly, because it felt entirely unnecessary. He hadn’t done anything wrong!
 
Apologizing has become a common way for us to interact as strangers, particularly for underrepresented groups whose voices are not always heard. And, as professionals, it can be common as we do the corporate dance of trying to belong, collaborate, be heard and make a difference.
 

I spend much of my time speaking to audiences of curious people who are craving “more” in their lives, mainly in the area of “finding their passions.” Typically, this can involve trying to recreate or redefine what meaningful work means to them after years in a profession. Or it can be exploring the creativity that they’ve hidden as they’ve built a career or a family. For others, it can look like finding fulfilling ways to give back so that they make an impact that matters to them.
 
But guess what I see a lot of in this space? Apologizing.
 
One of the biggest mistakes “passion seekers” make is that they fail to remember that they are worthy of feeling happy and fulfilled. They have spent years — often decades — serving their teams, bosses, clients or families (sometimes all of the above); they have become so used to putting themselves last that the idea that they should do something simply because they want to is an alien concept. Often, it can even feel selfish or shameful.
 
The first step to making any change happen in our lives is to truly believe that we deserve the results that the change will give us. No one will do it for us!
 
Secondly, taking on new things in our lives, whether it’s a different type of project at work, or a new hobby or leisure pursuit, means that we need to learn to be beginners again. The world isn’t kind to beginners and we are often our own cruelest critics. We all know there is very little space in modern life for messing up — the consequences are there for us all to see on social media.
 
To get ahead of that, we apologize before we share the idea, before we show our first project, before we raise our hand, before we jump.
 
We think that it’s a way to protect ourselves, to say “Look, I know I’m not worthy of this, and I’m probably not going to get this right, so before you criticize me, I’m going to show you I already know. There’s nothing you can tell me that can hurt me more than what I will tell myself.”
 
Often, we don’t even realize we’re doing it.
 

 To change, you must become more aware of how often you say “I’m sorry” and when. That awareness — preferably without beating yourself up — is essential in helping you realize your habits. Then, it’s about training yourself in one small area to use different words that do justice to who you are.
 
For example, your instinct may be to tell your spouse “I’m sorry, I signed up for a new class on Sunday, could you take the kids to soccer practice just this once?”
 
Instead, you could try: “I’m excited because I’ve signed up for a class this Sunday. I know the kids have soccer, would it be possible for you to drop them there? If not, let me know and we can organize another option.”